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Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is Hiding Mullah Omar - January 08, 2002

10. In his garage are a 1997 Mazda Protege and a camel 9. His last name is Schmidt -- the mailbox reads "Schmidt/Omar" 8. You turn on CNN and see your house in green night vision 7. Has bumper sticker "Al Qaeda members do it in caves" 6. The place reeks of goat 5. Comes over and asks to borrow a cup of sand 4. Driveway sign reads "Don't even think about parking here" in Pashtu 3. Claims the bearded, turbaned guy you saw is a Swedish exchange student 2. He declared a Jihad against crabgrass 1. His kitty is wearing a burqa

Top Ten Signs You're Already Having A Bad Year - January 09, 2002

10. You're still writing "2001" on your parole applications 9. Several acne medicine companies have asked you to pose for their "Before" photos 8. You're here tonight 7. Two weeks ago you converted all your money into Argentinian pesos 6. Your name is Osama Bin Laden (no relation) 5. You have a rash on your face in the shape of 2002 novelty glasses 4. In new phonebook, every listing is your number 3. Turns out the fake snow you used on your Christmas tree was high-grade Anthrax 2. New year's prank of faxing ass to boss backfires with offer of dinner and a movie 1. Oprah still won't let you on her damn show

Top Ten Complaints Of "Survivor 3" Castaways - January 10, 2002

10. The $1 million is being paid in Argentinean pesos (Frank) 9. When people get confused and think you're one of those "Big Brother" losers (Teresa) 8. The United States Air Force mistook us for an Al-Qaeda training camp (Kim P.) 7. Okay this isn't a Survivor thing, but those chicks on "The View" never shut up (Brandon) 6. Everyone except me was incredibly whiny and annoying (Diane, Jessie, Carl, Linda, Silas, Lindsey and Clarence) 5. I knew I'd end up being humiliated when "Survivor" ended, but I never dreamed I'd be reduced to going on "Letterman" (Kelly) 4. You know how 1-800-MATTRESS says they'll deliver anywhere? Not true (Lex) 3. You get off the plane after not showering for 39 days and everyone thinks you're the American Taliban dude (Ethan) 2. Jeff Probst is all hands (Kim J.) 1. Jeff Probst is all hands (Tom)

Top Ten Signs The FedEx Guy Is In Love With You - January 11, 2002

10. You schedule a pickup -- he shows up and says you have lovely eyes 9. Offers to take you out to dinner and have you home before 10am the next business day 8. He's named his handcart after you 7. Tells you you look like you've lost a couple ounces 6. He had your tracking number tattooed above his heart 5. Badgers you to take a romantic getaway to the FedEx central processing plant in Memphis, Tennessee 4. Notice on door reads "Delivery attempted at 2:30, 2:34, 2:38, 2:42..." 3. Goes through roll of bubble wrap saying, "She loves me, she loves me not" 2. Mailman hands you an envelope, FedEx guy jumps out of bushes, shouting, "You slut!" 1. Claims to have a special "package" for you, but he's not holding a box

Top Ten Ways Oprah Can Improve Her Show - January 14, 2002

10. Increase use of, "You go, girl!" by at least 40% 9. Instead of book club, read letters to Penthouse 8. More shows about cool things, like fireworks and dirt bikes 7. Every episode a different world leader chokes on a pretzel 6. Get the guests liquored up and tell 'em to beat each other senseless 5. From now on, Wednesday is "Crazy Hat Day!" 4. Oprah battles giant 40-foot squid on the ocean floor 3. How about just once putting someone else on the cover of "O" Magazine 2. Instead of kissing up to celebrities say, "Your movie sucked and I think you're still on drugs" 1. I think we all know what she should do (photo of Dave on Oprah's show)

Top Ten Things People Scream At The Television Screen While Watching "Larry King Live" - January 15, 2002

10. "Larry doesn't look a day over 90!" 9. "Honey -- the remote control is busted again!" 8. "I can't believe I was married to that hump!" 7. "Larry, you're my favorite suspender-wearing television personality since Mork!" 6. "Damn, Sally Jessy looks like hell!" 5. "I can't believe I was married to that hump!" 4. "Somebody call an ambulance -- Larry's pinned under his enormous glasses!" 3. "Oh my god -- there's a barn owl loose in the studio! Oh wait, that's Larry!" 2. "Help...choking...pretzel lodged in windpipe!" (President Bush only) 1. "I can't believe I was married to that hump twice!"

Top Ten Headlines Involving Presidents and Snack Foods - January 16, 2002

10. Jimmy Carter Declares "Lust In My Heart" For Milk Duds 9. LBJ Eats PB&J 8. Reagan Denies Alleged "Arms for Cheez-Its" Deal 7. FDR Tells Congress: "The Only Thing We Have To Fear Is Running Out of Cool Ranch Doritos" 6. Lincoln Goes To Theater -- Eats Popcorn; Gets Shot 5. JFK Vows To Put Pringle On Moon Within Ten Years 4. Roosevelt Says: "Speak Softly and Carry a Big Slim Jim" 3. Ford Appoints Commission To Determine How Many Licks It Takes To Get To The Center of a Tootsie Pop 2. Nixon: "I Am Not A Crook, But I Am a Pepper" 1. Donut Eats Truman!

Top Ten Ways To Make Military Life More Fun - January 18, 2002

10. Forget Reveille, let us wake up to Regis and Kelly 9. The higher your rank, the larger your hat 8. Humvees with novelty horns that play "La Cucaracha" 7. Three words: magic finger cots 6. Casual Fridays when you're allowed to wear a different shade of khaki 5. Every night, first Sergeant required to put mint on your pillow 4. Only go to war in a country where you can get a decent cappuccino 3. Just once, let me take an Apache helicopter home for the weekend 2. How about some camouflage uniforms that don't make me look fat? 1. More fun? I don't think that's possible

Top Ten Things People Said As They Watched "Baby Bob" - January 19, 2002

10. "Where's the remote?" 9. "Oh good, I think this is the one where the baby talks!" 8. "I hear a lot of talking babies auditioned for the part" 7. "I hope this is one of those shows where someone gets voted off" 6. "Seriously, give me the remote or I will beat you to death" 5. "Holy crap, it's a talking baby" 4. "Honey, could you check the book of Revelations for signs of the apocalypse?" 3. "First thing tomorrow I'm getting a vasectomy" 2. "Yeah but that baby still isn't half as creepy as Letterman" 1. "Hey, Secret Service, over here! I'm choking!"

Top Ten Signs You've Been Watching Too Much Football - January 29, 2002

10. When you cut yourself shaving, you bleed nacho cheese 9. Your medical alert bracelet reads, "In case of emergency, tape Sunday's pre-game show" 8. Your "girlfriend": a football in a wig 7. In every situation you ask yourself, "What would NFL referee Ed Hochuli do?" 6. Hands are starting to smell like soap and leather (Sorry, that's a sign you've been washing too many footballs) 5. You call everyone "Tebucky" 4. On your driver's license, your age is listed as "XXXIV" 3. You can actually name a player on the New England Patriots 2. During sex you accidentally call out Jerry Glanville's name 1. Eaten so many chips, your ass was named site of Super Bowl XXXVIII

Top Ten Surprises In Last Night's State of the Union Address - January 30, 2002

10. President's opener, "Big ups to the peeps in my West coast crew" 9. Due to a mix-up, teleprompter was loaded with Jimmy Carter's 1979 address 8. Disoriented Strom Thurmond kept screaming, "Who's cooking 'taters?" 7. Beach ball that bounced around -- started by Joe Lieberman 6. When clerk introduced "the President of the United States" Hillary started making her way up the aisle 5. The girl he pulled out of the audience and danced with on stage -- a young Courtney Cox 4. Whenever Bush said, "economy," Supreme Court justices did a shot 3. At the same time, Al Gore delivered "State of My Condo" speech to his two kitties 2. Nobody passed out 1. Intern from Clinton's last State of the union still under podium

Top Ten Reasons I Love America - January 31, 2002

10. Even after 225 years, it still has that new-country smell (Operation Specialist, Ron Morris) 9. Some of our best presidents were American (Lieutenant Jr. Grade, Erica Munzinger) 8. You're never more than 200 feet from a Dunkin' Donuts (Fire Controlmen 2nd Class, Nick Pavlinek) 7. Name one other country with an ex-wrestler for a governor (Gunner's Mate 1st Class, Paul Tialavea) 6. Years of scientific research have made it possible for us to have our eyeglasses ready in about an hour (Yeoman Seamen, Jeremiah Mason) 5. What other country has both a South Dakota and a North Dakota? (Cryptologic Technician Maintenance 2nd Class, Jason Halvorsen) 4. If somebody ever teachers a chimp to drive a car, it'll probably be an American (Electronics Technician 1st Class, Shawn Goodwin) 3. The uniforms look damn good (Damage Controlmen 2nd Class, James Laban) 2. None of our current or former leaders live in a cave (Gunner's Mate 3rd Class, Elijah Muse) 1. Where else could a geek like Letterman get his own show? (Electronics Technician 3rd Class, Gregory Allen Davis II)

Top Ten Signs Arnold Schwarzenegger is Getting Older - February 02, 2002

10. He's been triggering explosions with The Clapper 9. After day of shooting action scenes, entire set smells like Ben Gay 8. Over two dozen times in "Eraser," he says, "You'll have to speak up" 7. Instead of shooting bad guys, challenges them to $10 game of shuffleboard 6. For "Terminator 3," he's been replaced by this guy (roll videotape) 5. Recently switched from steroids to Metamucil 4. Special effects in latest movie provided by Sy Sperling 3. Bulging chest muscles really just a Wonderbra 2. Catch phrase changed from "I'll be back" to "Oh, my back!" 1. His stunt double: Bob Dole

Top Ten Things That Will Get You Suspended by Major League Baseball - February 03, 2002

10. Secretly switching the Gatorade with the urine samples 9. Inviting some guys you met at the Port Authority to come shower with the team 8. Using Diamondvision to give entire crowd the finger 7. Having a batting average lower than your blood alcohol level 6. You've used too much pine tar and it ain't on your bat 5. For the last several innings you've played shortstop in a delightful cocktail dress 4. During "Star Spangled Banner," you do a slow, seductive striptease 3. Wearing your cup outside your pants 2. Hitting for the cycle with the umpire's wife 1. Corking yourself

Top Ten Surprises in Roger Clinton's Book Growing Up Clinton - February 04, 2002

10. Tried to go to Vietnam in Bill's place, but the army said, "no, thanks" 9. Bill won't touch Hillary unless she's wearing the Mayor McCheese outfit 8. He's half Clinton, half Piscopo 7. As college sophomore, Bill smoked really big joint and spent three months chasing an armadilloacross the Mojave Desert 6. During brother's inauguration, took a leak in the reflecting pool 5. If you rearrange the letters in Roger Clinton you get "Forrest Gump" 4. As early as second grade, Bill was known around the playground as "one-term Bubba" 3. He taught Kato Kaelin how to dance (VT of Kato dancing) 2. That "Oprah-Uma" thing was his idea 1. He voted for Perot

Top Ten Things That Sound Creepy When Said By John Malkovich - February 07, 2002

10. "Does this look infected to you?" 9. "I put my jammies on all by myself, mommy!" 8. "You mean I get all these great funk classics on just one compact disc?" 7. "Senator Hillary Clinton" 6. "I can provide references from my last hospital job." 5. "Nougat!" 4. "I love you, Ted Danson." 3. "Your glasses will be ready in about an hour, Ted Danson." 2. "Johnny likes bunnies." 1. "Who wants to be a millionaire?"

Top Ten Things My Mom Said to Me While I Was Growing Up - February 08, 2002

10. "What did I tell you about putting on Mommy's lip gloss?" 9. "Remember, David, you're only here because the gypsies didn't want you." 8. "Comb your hair, or it'll look that way when you're 51." 7. "Yes, David, you're very funny -- now finish your Prozac." 6. "Of course I'll be your prom date." 5. "With grades like these, you'll have to go to Ball State." 4. "Look at all the empty chairs we invited to your birthday party." 3. "Next time you'll have to raise your own bail money." 2. "I know what you're doing in there." 1. "Time for bed, Steve, or whatever the hell your name is."

Top Ten Numbers From One To Ten - February 09, 2002

10. Ten 9. Nine 8. Six 7. Five 6. Eight 5. One 4. Four 3. Three 2. Seven 1. Two

Top Ten Words That Sound Romantic When Spoken By Barry White - February 10, 2002

10. Jazzercise 9. Gubernatorial 8. Doo-hickey 7. Dweeb 6. Bite-Me 5. Prime Time Catastrophe 4. Gingivitis 3. Pataki 2. Big Ass Ham 1. Oprah

Top Ten Things I've Always Wanted To Say To Dave - February 11, 2002

10. "May I be your intern?" (Mia Farrow) 9. "Thanks for making my hair look so good." (Mayor Rudolph Guiliani) 8. "Of all the old guys on 60 Minutes -- you're my favorite." (Puff Daddy) 7. "I've always wanted to read #5 on the Top Ten list." (Michael J. Fox) 6. "How come every time I'm on the show you make me run around the studio like a stupid maniac?" (Regis Philbin) 5. "Thanks, Dave." (Michael J. Fox) 4. "If it weren't for you, I'd be the sexiest man alive." ("Leonardo DiCaprio") 3. "Dave, you are one great kisser." (Cindy Crawford) 2. "Dave, you are one great kisser." (John Goodman) 1. "You're adopted." (Dave's Mom)

Top Ten Beautiful Women Complaints About Men - February 14, 2002

10. "When they run out of snacks and start eating your birth control pills." (Lauren Hutton) 9. "Half a can of Bud Light and they're calling you 'Mommy'." (Samantha Mathis) 8. "When I come home early and catch him wearing my Wonderbra." (Elizabeth Berkley) 7. "All that testosterone makes 'em jump around like hyperactive chimps." (Isabella Rossellini) 6. "Thanks to that Demi Moore-Robert Redford movie, every dweeb with a million dollars keeps following me around with his checkbook." (Linda Evangelista) 5. "They want to talk and talk, and all we really want to do is have sex." (Yasmine Bleeth) 4. "Sometimes big feet just means big feet." (Frederique) 3. "They keep using lame pick-up lines like, 'C'mon let's do it right here on the Oval Office desk!" (Tyra Banks) 2. "We have boobs; they are boobs." (Rosie Perez) 1. "I can't stand it when all you guys grab my ass!" (Howard Stern)

Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear From a Cab Driver - February 15, 2002

10. "You don't mind if I swing by my apartment to reload my gun, do you?" 9. "Does the back seat smell like a dead guy?" 8. "You're not a cop, are you?" 7. "If my doctor knew I was driving, he'd be real pissed." 6. "All the empty bottles up here keep rolling under the brake." 5. "You can help yourself to the loose potato chips under the seat." 4. "I'm letting you know up front, any touching is fifty bucks extra." 3. "Mommy let me drive by myself today." 2. "You know it's 4:00 and three couples already had sex back there." 1. "My passengers have a nearly 80% survival rate."

Top Ten Least Popular Stripper Names - February 16, 2002

10. Ginger Vitis 9. Stripper Gore 8. Mrs. Charlie Sheen 7. Stanley Cups 6. Lois the Letterman Look-a-like 5. H. Rose Perot 4. Sue Dafed 3. Yogi Bare-Ass 2. Nude Gingrich 1. Tammy Lasorda

Top Ten Things That Sound Cool When Sung by a Barber Shop Quartet - February 18, 2002

10. President Bill Clinton has pasty white thighs. 9. You make a very handsome cellmate, Mr. Menendez . 8. I'm sorry my Rottweiler threw up all over your Persian rug . 7. We've never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever had sex . 6. We really hope Drew Barrymore takes off her shirt again . 5. Last night we saw a man doing the Macarena so we beat him to a bloody pulp . 4. That red-haired announcer is the world's most annoying man. 3. Call 9-1-1, someone shot me in the ass! 2. Why are we so happy? Because we're very drunk. 1. Hey, everybody, try to guess which one of us is gay!

Top Ten Signs We're Out of Practice Doing The Top Ten List - February 25, 2002

10. 8. Jokes out of order 9. 10. perjon tpyohn9g lsit is drnukl 8. 9. Jokes don't make sense Ted Danson monkey clown pie 7. Must pause part way through list to let drummer catch breath 6. Same item appears twice 5. Same item appears twice 4. And the number 4 sign we're out of practice doing the Top Ten List....Same item appears twice 3. Accidentally end list three jokes early 2. Topic suddenly changes near end of list 1. And the number one Rejected Grammy Category...Oldest Dirtiest Bastard

Top Ten Last Lines For David Hasselhoff's Character on Baywatch - February 28, 2002

10. "It's only been 29 minutes since I ate, but I think I'll go for a swim." 9. "Call doctor! Losing blood! Chest hair caught in outboard motor!" 8. "Screw this -- I'm going to work for the Alan Keyes campaign." 7. "I just saw a dead fish that was, like, totally gross, so I'm quitting." 6. "What I'll miss most is the dedication of the crew -- well, that and all the naked girls with the nice breasts." 5. "Tell the kind people of Germany I love them." 4. "Don't worry, it's just a routine heart examination." 3. "I'm sorry to disappoint all my gay fans." 2. "You haven't heard the last of David Hasselhoff...oh wait, you probably have." 1. "Bay, I won't be watching you anymore."

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear At T.G.I. Friday's - March 01, 2002

10. "Would you prefer a human waiter or a monkey waiter?" 9. "It's my parole officer. Could you tell him I'm doing a good job?" 8. "So this is the guy you dumped me for!?" 7. "Hey, just so you know, I sneezed on your Philly cheesesteak" 6. "I used to be a Hooters girl" 5. "All right, I'm legally obligated to warn you not to order the crab rolls" 4. "I want you to thank god it's Friday!" 3. "Can I recommend one of our low-fat salads, Tubby?" 2. "If you don't tip 18%, I'll break your legs" 1. "Bin Laden, party of two! Bin Laden, your table's ready"

Top Ten Things Overheard At Liza Minelli's Wedding - March 18, 2002

10. "Hey Hasselhoff, go easy on the crab puffs" 9. "I asked Diana Ross to pass the butter and she slapped me" 8. "What exactly is Liza famous for?" 7. "This is so much fun! She should get married more often" 6. "Michael Douglas? I thought you were Mickey Rooney" 5. "Phyllis Diller looks so lifelike" 4. "What do you mean you're out of prime rib?! I'm Robert Goulet, damn it!" 3. "I did check again, Mr. Letterman. Your name is not on the guest list" 2. "Hi, Liza, I'm Bill Clinton. Could we maybe get together later?" 1. "No Miss Taylor, you're not getting married today"

Top Ten Signs Michael Bloomberg Doesn't Like Being Mayor - March 20, 2002

10. Often begins press conferences by saying, "Holy crap did I make a mistake!" 9. Demanded a recount to see if maybe Mark Green won after all 8. He's gobbling Prozac like M&Ms 7. Missed most recent city council meeting to watch "Baby Bob" on CBS 6. Asked advisors, "How many interns would I have to sleep with to get impeached?" 5. Heard muttering, "I spent $70 million for this?" 4. Wants to move mayor's office to the Bahamas 3. Keeps asking, "Is it 2006 yet?" 2. Called Knicks' coach offering to swap jobs 1. Answers every policy question with, "Why are you bothering me with this bullsh**?"

Top Ten Signs You've Been Watching Too Much Basketball - March 25, 2002

10. Your skin has turned orange and bumpy 9. After an enjoyable meal, you celebrate by cutting down the ceiling fan 8. You've named your kids Gonzaga and Valparaiso 7. Every couple of days you update your tattoo of the 64-team tournament bracket 6. Make up your own "35-second shot clock in the bedroom" joke 5. You actually know how to spell "Krzyzewski" 4. Instead of telling kids bedtime stories, you summarize beer commercials 3. You've worn out 3 La-Z-Boys in 2 weeks 2. You got sent home from work again for showing up in nothing but a well-placed "Go Hoosiers" sign 1. After watching 9 hours of basketball on CBS you swear you saw a show with a talking baby

Top Ten Things Best Supporting Actor Jim Broadbent Did Today - March 26, 2002

10. Signed autographs for people who thought he was Dick Cheney 9. Asked phone company to check his line because no one's called all day 8. Appeared on "The Today Show," in crowd outside the studio window 7. Got caught speeding, told cop who he was, still got a hundred-dollar ticket 6. Tried to figure out how Ian McKellen's room key ended up in his pocket 5. Purchased baseball cap and sunglasses, so he could go out in public without getting sunburned 4. Placed Academy Award on top of garbage cans to keep out the raccoons 3. Sat around on his Academy Award-winning ass 2. Had footprints immortalized in cement after accidentally walking through a construction site 1. Spent all day "buffing his Academy Award"

Top Ten Signs Your Baseball Team Isn't Ready For The Regular Season - March 27, 2002

10. Your lead-off hitter is 8 months pregnant 9. Every time pitcher throws ball, catcher screams, "Ow!" 8. Outfielders distracted by big fluffy clouds that sometimes look like bunnies 7. Best hitter refuses to work weekends 6. Only time players demonstrate hustle is when they're being chased by undercover vice cops 5. Spirited locker room debates about how many strikes to an out 4. Starters ask to be excused from fielding drills to watch "The View" 3. Most promising rookie recently swallowed a rosin bag 2. Team name contains words "Devil" and "Rays" 1. Nobody can keep his mind on the game with that sexy Derek Jeter running around

Top Ten Responsibilities of the National Guard - March 28, 2002

10. Deploy to wherever American forces are needed, preferably somewhere like Cancun Staff Sergeant Catherine Knoebel 9. Organizing peacekeeping efforts at all Clinton family gatherings Staff Sergeant Justin Rubin 8. When all you lazy people return un-rewound Blockbuster videos, who do you think rewinds them? Specialist Raymond Ramirez 7. We make sure your state doesn't get pushed around by the other states Senior Airmen Jennifer Rolon 6. Keeping a close eye on that CBS talking baby Specialist Jennifer Durkin 5. Reading lame comedy lists on second-rate late-night talk shows Specialist David Lee 4. 24-hour perimeter security around Derek Jeter's locker Senior Airmen Laurie Santangelo 3. We guard the nation... You know, as in "The National Guard" Tech Sergeant Todd Lobraico 2. Looking damn good in uniform Specialist Godfrey Leigh 1. Protecting our greatest national treasure, Oprah Sergeant Keith Meyers

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear In A Cab - March 29, 2002

10. "My brakes are shot, so when you get to your block just jump out" 9. "Why so shy, cowboy? Plenty of room up here" 8. "There's something wrong with the exhaust, so try not to breathe" 7. "Watch this guy's expression when I ram into his car" 6. "Damn, without my glasses I'm blind as a bat" 5. "Lemme see if I can drive with my mouth" 4. "Is your name Rick? The voices in my head are telling me to kill a guy named Rick" 3. "Guess who's in the trunk?" 2. "If I turn around and you don't have that seat belt on, so help me I'll punch a hole in you" 1. "Next stop -- Khandahar!"

Top Ten April Fool's Pranks In Afghanistan - April 01, 2002

10. Short-sheeted burqas 9. A fake beard over your real beard 8. Saying you're wife #4, when you're really wife #2 7. Offering someone a can of peanut brittle and a goat jumps out 6. Painting giant bull's-eye on roof of friend's cave 5. Rocket launchers that shoot out little flag that reads "Bang" 4. Replacing secret stockpiles of weaponized Anthrax with Folger's Crystals 3. Writing "Wash me" on Osama's camel 2. Saying you support the Hamid Karzai government, but secretly supporting a warlord who has secretly begun to support the Taliban again, but then betraying the warlord, but then betraying the Karzai government and really supporting the warlord again 1. Writing "Wash me" on Osama

Top Ten Ways I, Dave, Am Conserving Water - April 03, 2002

10. No more scotch and water, from now on it's all scotch 9. On April Fool's Day, dropped air-filled balloons onto unsuspecting pedestrians 8. Three words: ketchup ice cubes 7. Fill up the swimming pool with Nyquil 6. Instead of washing dishes, I just throw them away and get new ones 5. Make coffee with air conditioning condensation 4. Brushing my teeth with Dr. Pepper 3. (Writers too dehydrated to write #3) 2. Drinking more gasoline 1. Having my hairpieces dry-cleaned, not washed

Top Ten Unusual Things That Happen While Guarding Coasts - April 05, 2002

10. Sometimes you catch the lighthouse keeper making shadow puppets (Petty Officer Stormie Thompson) 9. As it turns out, salt water plus oil spill equals delicious vinaigrette (Boatswains Mate 1st Class Tom Cooper) 8. Once in a while, during a search-and-rescue, you find a cool-looking seashell (Seaman Sara Rosato) 7. When you're lost in the fog, friendly sea monsters help you find your way (Chief Petty Officer Pierre Funderburk) 6. David Hasselhoff keeps showing up to see if we need a hand (Petty Officer Tom Sperduto) 5. Kids are always crank-calling you in Morse Code (Lieutenant Mark Bottiglieri) 4. There's nothing sweeter than stopping some snotty jerk driving his yacht drunk (Lieutenant Chris O'Brien) 3. Once I found a piece of driftwood that sort of looked like Freddie Prinze Jr. (Petty Officer Uzeralanai Bynum) 2. Last week I made myself new underpants out of seaweed (Boatswains Mate 2nd Class Todd Walter) 1. Pirates! (Chief Petty Officer Jose Miranda)

Top Ten Reasons Dumb Guys Think We Turn The Clocks Ahead - April 08, 2002

10. It's got something to do with the metric system 9. To make it impossible for Domino's to deliver in under 30 minutes 8. It's got something to do with the drought 7. Duh, hello? We turn the clocks back every night 6. Like the saying goes, "Spring forward, starve a fever" 5. It was the last wish of the great Milton Berle 4. Another case of the man trying to wreck our weekend, dude! 3. (Writers too dehydrated to write #3) 2. "We turn the clocks ahead?" 1. Dick Cheney saw his shadow

Top Ten Accountant Euphemisms For Sex - April 09, 2002

10. Using the long form (Certified Public Accountant Marc Albaum) 9. Getting bottom-lined (From Bridgeport Capital Resources, Preston King) 8. Increasing your cash flow (Certified Public Accountant Kathleen A. Winters) 7. Filing an extension (From Brookville Search Inc., Ron Parisi) 6. Rounding off (Certified Public Accountant Linda Boxer) 5. Depleting your reserves (From Zarnowski and Company, David Zarnowski) 4. Filing jointly (From Citrin and Cooperman, Roberta Bernhardt) 3. Get up, get on up, stay on the scene, like an adding machine (From Kimerling, Margulies and Wisdom, Mark Wisdom) 2. Making your holdings grow (From Headway Corporate Staffing, Stu Simon) 1. Getting Enronned (Certified Public Accountant Mark Morrow)

Top Ten Reasons John Ashcroft Would Not Sing On Our Show - April 10, 2002

10. Pre-show partying with Mayor Bloomberg left him in no condition to perform 9. He insisted on singing shirtless 8. Depressed there were only a dozen screaming teenage girls at the stage door 7. Refused to do "Let The Eagle Soar" unless we paid for hair and makeup for the eagle 6. Needs to rest voice for upcoming Ashcroftpalooza tour 5. Too busy tapping my phones 4. Been depressed ever since his eagle stopped soaring, if you know what I mean 3. For some reason he thought we'd make fun of him 2. The vibe wasn't right, man 1. Blah, blah upholding the dignity of the office, blah, blah

Top Ten Good Things About Turning 55 - April 11, 2002

10. There is nothing good about turning 55 9. . 8. . 7. . 6. . 5. . 4. . 3. . 2. . 1. .

Top Ten Fun Things To Do In A Jet - April 12, 2002

10. Going wicked fast and zooming around like crazy (Staff Sergeant, Tony Niwore) 9. Taxiing up to Wendy's drive-thru window (Captain, Jim Pederson) 8. Annoying your fellow pilots by leaving your turn signal on (Lieutenant, Cindy Larsen) 7. Wanna impress people? Show up to your high school reunion in a C-141 (Technical Sergeant, Joe Baldwin) 6. We're not supposed to, but sometimes we go to the moon (Lieutenant, John Lawton) 5. Land on an interstate, pull into service area and yell, "Fill 'er up!" (Senior Airman, Doreen Saal) 4. Even though there is no such thing, telling the new guy to take us to hyperspace (Technical Sergeant, Del Shaffar) 3. Playing Boggle -- Boggle's fun no matter where you are! (Major, Jeff Eickmann) 2. Flying over the I.R.S. and dropping off my "taxes" (Master Sergeant, Liz Mitchell) 1. Breakfast: Phoenix. Lunch: Brazil. Dinner: Paris. (Technical Sergeant, Mike Pelton)

Top Ten Robert Blake Defenses - April 22, 2002

10. "C'mon, I've killed dozens of people on television and it's always been cool" 9. "I was gonna shoot her with a squirt gun, but what with the drought and all..." 8. "At the time of the murder I was... Hey, enough about me. How long have you been a district attorney?" 7. "Wake up, America! It was obviously one of them crazy Mullahs" 6. "How could I possibly have time to murder her and still maintain my busy acting career?" 5. Ate British beef moments earlier -- came down with Mad Cow disease 4. Wanted to have a good story to tell at next "Our Gang" reunion 3. "You're allowing yourself to be swayed by a mountain of overwhelming evidence?" 2. "The parrot made me do it" 1. Never should have asked for marital advice from friend O.J.

Top Ten Ways Dick Cheney Injured His Foot - April 23, 2002

10. His foot had a heart attack 9. Kicked toaster out of frustration when it wasn't cooking his ham and cheese Hot Pocket quickly enough 8. Leg wrestling with Condoleezza Rice 7. Went for a goofy-foot 360 and ate it, dude 6. Stepped on a pretzel that had been coughed up by the president 5. Was stung by an Al Queda sleeper agent bee 4. Practicing pop-and-lock routine from 'N Sync video he bought from television 3. Robert Blake did it 2. Still kicking himself for taking the job 1. Strom Thurmond drove over it with his rascal scooter

Top Ten Responses To "How Big Is Your Army Base?" - April 25, 2002

10. "It's so big, you gotta pack a lunch just to get to the mess hall" (Private Presley Watson) 9. "It's so big, every day the barbershop produces enough hair trimmings to fill the Grand Canyon" (Sergeant First Class Juan Garcia) 8. "It's so big, we're thinking of becoming our own country" (Specialist Kenneth McNeil) 7. "It's so big, Larry King's wives could enlist and we'd still have room" (Second Lieutenant Dave Irwin) 6. "It's so big, it has its own army base" (Private First Class Diana Klinker) 5. "It's so big, I often go AWOL for weeks at a time and nobody notices!" (Private Anthony Castillo) 4. "Let's just say -- big enough" (Sergeant First Class Alec Fry) 3. "It's so big, to get from your barracks to the PX is a half-hour ride in a blackhawk helicopter" (Sergeant Caesar Castro) 2. "Hey -- how big is your army base?" (Sergeant Michael Burns) 1. "It's so big, we've got plenty of room for Osama if he wants to drop by" (Private Justen Burns)

Top Ten Ways The Taliban Is Celebrating Their 10th Anniversary - April 26, 2002

10. Wet-burqa contest 9. Goat jumping out of a cake 8. Ticking "Congratulations!" bouquet from Donald Rumsfeld 7. Raffling off a busted TV 6. Dinner at their favorite restaurant "Thank-Allah-It's-Friday" 5. With the traditional tenth anniversary gift, sand 4. Flying in Don Rickles to roast Osama 3. Lively game of "Pin the Beard on the Deranged, Cave-Dwelling Madman" 2. Serving a special dessert called "Death To America By Chocolate" 1. Running for their lives

Top Ten New Features Of Camp Delta - April 29, 2002

10. Interrogation rooms with ocean views 9. Still has that "new detention camp" smell 8. Prisoners allowed one threatening phone call a week 7. The loosest slots on Guatanamo Bay 6. Free "Camp Delta" tote bag with every confession 5. Extremist kids eat free 4. Nightly turndown service includes a goat on your pillow 3. Burqa raids on girls' camp across the lake 2. Midnight performances by Engelbert Humperdink 1. Craftmatic adjustable torture racks

Top Ten Ways Saddam Hussein Celebrated His 65th Birthday - April 30, 2002

10. Played "Pin the Electrode On The Imprisoned Dissident" 9. Passed out custom-made "Happy Birthday" berets 8. 65 shots of yager, dude! 7. Opened millions of identical "Happy Birthday Saddam" cards from citizens forced to buy and mail them 6. Got an ugly tie from his son-in-law. Had him executed 5. Wolfed down one mother of a free omelet at Denny's 4. Hired Sammy Hagar to perform "I Can't Drive 55" 3. Blew out candles on his "Fudgie The Goat" cake 2. Nice quiet dinner with his new wife, Liza Minnelli 1. Reflected on being a year closer to spending eternity in hell

Top Ten Reasons I Love My Job - May 02, 2002

10. The frequent-flier miles really pile up (Master Sergeant Jeff Gaines) 9. When the pilot's not looking, we throw water balloons out of the jet (Senior Master Sergeant Barbara Greenwald) 8. Gillette's new Mach 3 Turbo works even better if you shave while going Mach 3 (Tech Sergeant Greg Fennessy) 7. Growing up, Mom always told me not to throw food. Well guess what, mom? The United States Air Force is paying me to throw food (Chief Master sergeant Mike Michaud) 6. The cockpit is full of shiny buttons and lights (Master Sergeant Greg Arceneaux) 5. I know he's not a refugee, but sometimes I'll drop stuff on Letterman's house just to mess with him (First Lieutenant Molly Curland) 4. The dental plan (Tech Sergeant Darin Elwood) 3. The sense of fulfillment after a day's work -- just kidding. The jets go, like, super fast! (Airman First Class Tabitha Stewart) 2. Sometimes I sneak a crate of freeze-dried beans for myself (Master Sergeant Dennis Ingold) 1. I'm at the controls of a $200 million jet -- what do you drive? (Major Mark Bauknight)

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear In Central Park - May 03, 2002

10. "Put your shirt back on or I'll have to ask you to leave the park" 9. "Would you mind rubbing sunblock on my hard-to-reach places?" 8. "I just ate a bad hot dog and now I see dancing monkeys" 7. "Can you direct me to where all the hookers hang out?" 6. "I took a leak on that exact spot about an hour ago" 5. "Don't take your pants off. Remember, remember, don't take your pants off. Don't take your pants off" 4. "I just came from the reservoir. Do you know how to make a body sink?" 3. "The boss sent me down here to see if you guys were really home sick today. Man, is he gonna be pissed" 2. "Can you check me for ticks?" 1. "Nothing protects you from the sun like a good coating of mustard"

Top Ten Signs Your Wife Is Having An Affair With Spider-Man - May 06, 2002

10. You find footprints on your bedroom ceiling 9. Your children have eight legs 8. Overheard on phone saying, "Use your spider powers to kill my husband, then we'll be together" 7. Your dry-cleaner mentions, "That blue and red costume your wife brought in is ready" 6. She says she wants to rub her hands "all over your cephalothorax... I mean chest" 5. Your housefly problem clears up overnight 4. All of a sudden, she's critical of your inability to scale buildings 3. She's writing a book, "Spider-Man And The Unmet Needs Of The Modern Wife" 2. Superman asks you, "Uh, is everything okay at home?" 1. Drawings of Spider-Man having sex with your wife appear in Sunday comics

Top Ten Reasons Your Production Was Not Nominated For A Tony Award - May 07, 2002

10. "Costumes" consist of items stolen from theater coat check 9. Helicopter appears in climactic scene, but it's not in the script 8. No matter how good it is, a show in your parents' garage is not eligible 7. It's called a "revival" because you're constantly resuscitating audience members 6. Marquee reads, "Tom Arnold Is Napoleon Bonaparte" 5. Instead of "Author! author!" audience shouts, "There he is! Let's get him!" 4. Despite the fact it isn't a musical, your lead actor is constantly breaking into song 3. When curtain rises, it only goes up a couple of feet 2. The big musical number -- "The Tonys Can Kiss My Ass" 1. The name of the production: "Osama Mia"

Top Ten Things I Would Like To Say To The American People - May 08, 2002

10. "Sorry, Mom, 1-800-FLOWERS doesn't work over here" (Staff Sergeant Mario Deleon) 9. "Would somebody please send me a meatloaf?" (Specialist Damone Williams) 8. "Come say hi -- with the new direct flights, getting to Korea from the U.S. only takes 29 hours" (Specialist Mike Walker) 7. "I can neither confirm nor deny that I have anything to say" (Specialist Steven Dyer) 6. "Thanks for paying your taxes on time so we don't run out of ammo" (Private First Class Andrew Lukies) 5. "Ozzy rules!" (Private First Class Jeremy Bell) 4. "If anyone needs a place to crash during the 2002 World Cup in Seoul, give me a call" (Private First Class Michael Rupert) 3. "Can somebody please tape the season finale of Friends for me?" (Specialist Jerome Coleman) 2. "Liza, you promised you'd wait!" (Sergeant Christopher Blackwell) 1. "How are the Knicks doing in the play-offs?" (Second Lieutenant Jamie Hansen)

Top Ten Pieces Of Advice I Have Given My Child - May 10, 2002

10. "Screw law school, I want you to get into rasslin'" (The Rock's mother, Atta) 9. "Stop and smell the roses -- then clip them and dry the petals to make a spring collage" (Martha Stewart's mother, Martha) 8. "Don't believe all the hype you read about yourself, honey -- actually, you're a short, overweight bald guy" (Brad Pitt's mother, Jane) 7. "Smile and nod and no one will realize how much Regis irritates you" (Kelly Ripa's mother, Essie) 6. "Remember, a good man is hard to find" (Ellen Degeneres's mother, Betty) 5. "Make sure your midriff is covered before going out on stage -- I didn't say she listened to me" (Christina Aguilera's mother, Shelly) 4. "Speed limits are for sissies" (Jeff Gordon's mother, Carol) 3. "You want to impress your mom? Buy her a new house for Mother's Day" (Leonardo DiCaprio's mother, Irma Lynn) 2. "Always remember to put family first -- that's why I'm here doing Letterman so you don't have to" (Ashley and Wynonna Judd's mother, Naomi) 1. "David, don't be a smart-ass" (Dave's mother, Dorothy)

Top Ten Signs Your Cat Is Trying To Kill You - May 15, 2002

10. You find a .22 buried in the litter box 9. "Fluffy" has been scratched into your will 8. As it rubs against your leg, you feel the sting of a hypodermic needle 7. The threatening meows on your answering machine 6. Your cat is on the episode of Springer titled "I Want My Owner Dead" 5. He's been seen hanging out with the dog who's trying to kill you 4. Newspaper calls to confirm obituary for next week, "Hated pet owner meets violent end" 3. Top step of your basement stairs is covered with slippery layer of Fancy Feast 2. To tune of Meow Mix song sings, "Kill kill kill kill, kill kill kill kill" 1. You overheard your cat on the phone with Robert Blake's cat

Top Ten Signs You're Dumb - May 16, 2002

10. You stopped watching wrestling because it's too complicated 9. The hot beverage warning on Starbucks cups mentions you by name 8. On census form you count yourself plus the guy in the mirror 7. You augment your income by photocopying quarters 6. As a special treat you take yourself to Jiffy Lube and you don't own a car 5. Fear of injury keeps you from using a comb 4. Just spent two hours trying to improve the reception on your microwave 3. According to you, this week Amercian King Fidel Castro got on a spaceship, went to the planet of Cuba and met with dictator Jimmy Connors 2. You're a Tampa Bay Devil Rays season-ticket holder 1. You choke on a pretzel

Top Ten Items On A Fighter Pilot's Checklist - May 17, 2002

10. "Shoo the raccoons out of the cockpit" (Major Damon "Gump" Reynolds) 9. "Run system check on the onboard computer's Tetris game" (Captain Craig "Bluto" Baker) 8. "Listen carefully to jet flight attendant's safety instructions" (Major David "Redneck" Greene) 7. "Affix EZ Pass tag to the canopy with super-strong adhesive" (Major Jeannie "Tally" Flynn) 6. "Make sure 'Top Gun' soundtrack is in CD player" (Major Steve "Dawg" Kennel) 5. "Try to get upgraded to first class" (Major Kirk "Krokus" Johnson) 4. "Set cockpit heads-up display to correct coordinates (just messing with ya -- I made that one up)" (Major Sam "Spam" Milam) 3. "Flip through complimentary copy of 'Fighter Pilot' magazine" (Major Jim "Yogi" McElhenney) 2. "Scrub off graffiti spray-painted on the aircraft by local punks" (Major Drew "Baker" English) 1. "If it's a nice day then put the top down, dude" (Captain Juras "Drag" Jansons)

Top Ten Surprises In The New Star Wars Film - May 20, 2002

10. Most of the action takes place on Planet Hollywood 9. Jedis interrupting lightsaber battle to change double "A" batteries 8. Jar Jar Binks is shot by enraged Robert Blake 7. Obi-Wan wins the big dirty dancing contest 6. A confused William Shatner keeps showing up looking for Spock 5. Supreme Chancellor passes out after choking on a pretzel 4. "The Force?" -- just a sinus headache 3. All the time C3PO spends bitching about Spider-Man 2. Usual Star Wars opening theme replaced with George Strait's "All My Ex's Live In Texas" 1. Yoda has sex with a pie

Top Ten Least Impressive David Blaine Tricks - May 22, 2002

10. Sitting through a Tampa Bay Devil Rays doubleheader 9. Passing 11 items through the 10 items-or-less checkout line 8. Using fiber-optic cables, can transmit his voice anywhere in the world 7. Transforming an ordinary-looking sofa into a bed 6. "Levitating his wand" 5. Mysteriously being pre--approved for credit card offers that arrive in the mail 4. Removing botox from Joan Rivers 3. Enduring 75-degree weather in nothing but pants and a t-shirt 2. Obtaining quality eyewear in about an hour 1. Pulling Siegfried out of Roy

Top Ten Signs You've Been At Sea Too Long - May 23, 2002

10. In cabs, you tell driver where you want to go using latitude and longitude (Corporal Tim Ledwith) 9. You smell like kelp (Operations Specialist Chief Michael Fry) 8. After turning on TV you scream, "My god! What's become of the young and virile Morley Safer?!" (Lance Corporal John Aikler) 7. You spot a school of fish and actually recognize some of them (Engineman 2nd Class Barbara Smith) 6. Not only do you have sea legs, you have sea hair (Lance Corporal Chris Ferrier) 5. The first mate he got drunk, and broke in the captain's bunk, the constable had to come and take him away (Quartermaster Chief Bob Hunt) 4. Your name is Larry, you sign letters "U.S.S. Larry" (Sergeant David Messinger) 3. The other day I yelled at a seagull to shut the hell up (Fire Controlman 2nd Class Jennifer Clark) 2. Stunned to learn there's a baseball team in Tampa Bay...actually most Americans have that reaction (Lance Corporal Sean Ledwith) 1. You answer the phone, "Ahoy?" (Damage Controlman 3rd Class Brian Patnoudes)

Top Ten Other Unconfirmed Rumors About Mike Piazza - May 24, 2002

10. Spends two hours a day on his swing, five hours on his goatee 9. His number 31 is also the number of bat boys he's strangled 8. For every home run he hits, donates $500 to the Taliban 7. Made a fortune working from home placing tiny classifed ads 6. Once secretly married to Liza Minnelli 5. About to be named Squatting Magazine's "Man Of The Year" 4. Will not play on "Sex and the City" night 3. The only thing he loves more than doing the Sunday crossword puzzle is finishing it 2. Real name: Mike Pizza 1. Although not gay, he'd sleep with Derek Jeter in a second

Top Ten Signs Phil Jackson Is Truly A Zen Master - June 04, 2002

10. In Western Conference finals, beat Dalai Lama-coached Sacramento Kings 9. When he rents a mid-size car at Avis, gets the "Zen Master discount" 8. Can contact the spirit of Red Auerbach using nothing more than a cell phone 7. Each night between midnight and 8am goes into trance-like state 6. With Bulls, won 6 NBA titles despite handicap of average players like Michael Jordan 5. Answered Zen riddle, "What's the sound of one hand clapping?" by showing clip of crowd at Clippers-Grizzlies game 4. Has toned and contoured upper leg muscles (sorry, that's a sign Phil Jackson uses a Thighmaster) 3. Often gets technical fouls for "excessive calm" 2. When showering, doesn't get clean, gets "Zenfully clean" 1. Promised to show several Laker Girls nirvana

Top Ten Ways The Mafia Can Improve Its Image - June 05, 2002

10. After whacking guy, stick around to help with the cleanup 9. Appeal to the younger generation by changing spelling of "Mafia" to "Maphia" 8. Goodbye cement shoes, hello comfortable Prowalker shoes from Rockport 7. Rub out that annoying kid in the Dell commercials 6. Gala "Mafia Awards" ceremony hosted by Hollywood's brightest stars 5. New strong-arm tactic: take someone to the circus and then threaten to never take them again! 4. Oh I don't know, maybe stop killing everybody 3. Three words: Mafia Book Club 2. Don't just say you're dumping a body in New Jersey, say you're dumping a body in New Jersey -- home of the soon-to-be-world-champion Nets! 1. Every once in a while, make someone an offer they can refuse

Top Ten Things India And Pakistan Agree On - June 06, 2002

10. Saber-rattling is an excellent way to impress the critics 9. The FBI dropped the ball when it failed to predict Joey would fall in love with Rachel on "Friends" 8. Don't buy extended warranty on nuclear warheads -- it's a rip-off 7. Bathrooms at U.N. are never as clean as they should be 6. A solid Christmas album could put Linda Ronstadt back on the charts 5. You can really save a buck or two by calling 1-800-COLLECT 4. Robin Williams is better in comedy roles 3. "Survivor: Kashmir" has the potential to be the most exciting one yet 2. Liza's latest marriage -- 6 months, max 1. The Nets don't have a chance in hell

Top Ten Answers To The Question, "How Tough Are The Marines?" - June 07, 2002

10. "So tough, we jump from air transport planes without parachutes" (Sergeant Enrique Larrea) 9. "So tough, none of us have slept or eaten in over two years" (Sergeant Edwin Toribio) 8. "So tough, I hate not going to the dentist" (Sergeant Herbert Johnson) 7. "So tough, I wear my 'Boston Sucks' hat at Fenway" (Sergeant Adam Deluca) 6. "You know how the Army does more before 9am than most people do all day? We get all that done by 7" (Staff Sergeant John Werner) 5. "So tough, we haven't taken a sick day since 1978" (Staff Sergeant James Taylor) 4. "So tough, if our tank breaks down, we'll carry it to Jiffy Lube" (Gunnery Sergeant Albert Fowler) 3. "We're really tough. Sorry, I'm not that creative" (Gunnery Sergeant James Meek) 2. "So tough, we didn't even cry while watching 'Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood'" (Gunnery Sergeant Darin Harris) 1. "So tough, if you want we can take care of your little Lakers problem" (Gunnery Sergeant Mark Butler)

Top Ten Mike Tyson Excuses - June 10, 2002

10. Thought it was best-of-seven like the NBA finals 9. The referee was clearly biased in favor of the guy who wasn't all bloody 8. "How am I supposed to beat up some dude from outer space?" 7. NPR's piece on boxing made him think twice about morality of his sport 6. Was confused -- showed up expecting to fight Jerry Lewis 5. Was eager to see if extra-strength Excedrin really does relieve headache pain quicker than the leading brand 4. Let the Brit win in honor of Queen Elizabeth's 50 great years on the throne 3. Has been too focused lately on World Cup soccer to train 2. He was an emotional wreck after seeing "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" 1. Couldn't get mouth piece out quickly enough to bite him

Top Ten Things Overheard Outside "Divine Secrets Of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood" - June 12, 2002

10. "Too much sisterhood, not enough ya-ya" 9. "Yeah, this is much better than the Tyson fight" 8. "If Mr. Gotti were still alive, nobody would dare reveal the Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" 7. "Ya ya ya ya ya ya ya" 6. "I heard Ellen Burstyn did her own stunts" 5. "This is the worst bachelor party ever" 4. "You know me, I'll see anything with Angus McFadden in it" 3. "Ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya" 2. "I'm really looking foward to this -- I love yo-yos" 1. "What's Mike Piazza doing here?"

Top Ten Responsibilities Of The U.S. Army's 3rd Infantry Regiment (Old Guard) - June 13, 2002

10. After helicopter takes off from the south lawn, straightening up any patio furniture that blew over (Private First Class, Brandon Dunnaback) 9. Settling disputes between the second and the fourth infantry (Private First Class, Joshua Brooks) 8. Saluting like crazy (Specialist, Braulio Ramirez) 7. Enforcing dress code at Army dances (Specialist, Johnny Thieken) 6. If the Commander-in-Chief has a daughter in the Girl Scouts, we buy lots of cookies (Sergeant, Clay Burns) 5. To look really good in our uniforms (Private First Class, Kenneth Dyer) 4. Providing the President's daily 21-gun wake-up call (Second Lieutenant, Allison Pappas) 3. The ongoing struggle to put an end to guys tying sweaters around their shoulders (Specialist, Andre Bonner) 2. When Tony Blair is in town, making sure the White House has plenty of scones (Private First Class, Kyle Knapp) 1. Safeguarding each and every divine secret of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood (Private First Class, Jacob Muehlstein)

Top Ten Ways To Describe Donald Trump's Hair - June 19, 2002

10. Odd 9. Peculiar 8. Windswept 7. Trumpy 6. Strangely hypnotic 5. Unbe-weave-able 4. Wiggy 3. Stylish (dumb guys only) 2. Proof money can't buy everything 1. Taj Ma-helmet

Top Ten Ways To Get Americans Excited About Soccer - June 20, 2002

10. Rename the sport "Deathball 3000" (Midfielder Landon Donovan) 9. From now on, you can't use your feet either (Midfielder Claudio Reyna) 8. Constitutional amendment stating if U.S. wins World Cup, every American gets a brand new car (Midfielder John O'Brien) 7. More players who look like Mia Hamm -- fewer players who look like Davor Vugrinec (Forward Clint Mathis) 6. Instead of "Goooooal!" have that announcer guy yell, "Yahtzee!" (Defender Gregg Berhalter) 5. Printed on every red card, a collectible "Star Wars" photo (Defender Jeff Agoos) 4. Drunken monkey goalies (Goal keeper Brad Friedel) 3. Find a way to involve that hilarious San Diego chicken (Defender Tony Sanneh) 2. You mean millions of Americans aren't getting up in the middle of the night to watch up play? (Forward Joe-Max Moore) 1. Give Tiger Woods a soccer ball, America will never lose again (Midfielder Cobi Jones)

Top Ten Ways The Army Is Celebrating Its Birthday - June 21, 2002

10. "Everyone gets to sleep in till 0600" (Specialist Robin Mathew) 9. "Lovely candlelit dinner in the mess hall" (Specialist April Jacobs) 8. "M-1 tank plus 50,000 flowers equals one colorful float (Major Owen Hardy) 7. "Just for the hell of it, invading Disneyland" (Sergeant Doris Kennedy) 6. "Secretary of the Army Thomas E. White is gonna jump out of a cake" (Lieutenant Colonel Joyce Stanley) 5. "Cap'n says we're getting walkie-talkies" (Specialist Nuvia Lester) 4. "Strawberry ice cream" (Staff Sergeant Darin Smith) 3. "Passing out cupcakes with a mark-19 grenade launcher" (Captain Mary Johnson) 2. "Asking captured Taliban soldiers if they want a balloon and then saying, 'Ha! I bet you do!'" (Lieutenant John Urciuoli) 1. "We got us one big-ass table at Chuck E. Cheese" (Sergeant Richard Carnes)

Top Ten Reasons I Joined The Air Force - June 27, 2002

10. "G-forces can be very slimming" (Senior Airman Seth Macy) 9. "I felt obligated after my high school class voted me 'Most Likely To Join The Air Force'" (Senior Airman Latoya Williams) 8. "You know how on commercial flights, people in first class get fresh-baked cookies? In the Air Force, we all get cookies" (Starr Sergeant Robin Walker) 7. "Green is my color" (Technical Sergeant Johnnie Kee) 6. "It drives the chicks wild when I dab a little jet fuel behind my ears" (Major James Johnson) 5. "I'm sorry. Number 5 is classified" (Staff Sergeant Patricia Daniel) 4. "You can't break the sound barrier working at Kinko's" (Captain Steve Ankerstar) 3. "I like this sound... (makes jet plane sound)" (Airman First Class Christopher Bellofatto) 2. "They're only supposed to be for emergencies, but damn, those ejection seats are fun" (Staff Sergeant Adrian Keys) 1. "I thought I was joining Oprah's Book Club" (Staff Sergeant George Balderrama)

Top Ten Questions Most Frequently Asked At The Weber Grill Hotline - June 28, 2002

10. "Can I eat the charcoal briquettes?" 9. "What do you do if you get your tongue caught on the grill?" 8. "How long will it take for my eyebrows to grow back?" 7. "Ain't hot dogs tasty?" 6. "My annoying brother-in-law's been here since 10am -- how can I get rid of him?" 5. "Will I find love this year?" (Note: Weber Hotline is one digit from Miss Cleo Psychic Hotline) 4. "How do I cook pancakes on this damn thing?" 3. "This is Mrs. Weber -- may I speak to my husband, please?" 2. "Propane... Leaking... Send... Help" 1. "Lea and Perrins -- gay?"

Top Ten Thoughts Going Through This Guy's Mind (video of guy gored by a bull) - July 08, 2002

10. "Hey look -- intestines" 9. "Is it 'feed a cold, starve a puncture wound'?" 8. "This is still better than being in Delaware" 7. "I wonder what Spanish emergency rooms are like?" 6. "I guess this will be funny when Marv Albert shows it with that blooper music" 5. "Remember -- the bull is more afraid of you than you are of him" 4. "Como se dice! Owwww!'?" 3. "Things could be worse... Ah, who am I kidding? This is miserable" 2. "At least no one back home will know" 1. "I'm an idiot"

Top Ten Good Things About Being Cryogenically Frozen - July 09, 2002

10. Never again have to answer the question, "Hot enough for ya?" 9. You can request that you be frozen while making a funny face 8. When you come back to life, you get to keep your frequent flier miles 7. Pale blue translucent skin complements hazel eyes 6. If your name is Jim, friends and family will refer to you as "Jimsicle" 5. You + Walt Disney = Best friends in the 25th century 4. When they thaw you out in a few thousand years you'll have lots of stuff to watch on TiVo 3. It's a million times more refreshing than biting into a York Peppermint Patty 2. It hasn't hurt Al Gore, am I right people? 1. You're still warmer than those poor bastards in the audience of the Ed Sullivan Theater

Top Ten Little-Known Facts About Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig - July 10, 2002

10. Only guy in Milwaukee who's never had a beer 9. Just told Martha Stewart to unload her Montreal Expos stock 8. Went to Las Vegas a couple days ago and put 10 grand on "tie" 7. Eats rosin bags like they're peanuts 6. Won't stop sending flowers to Mike Piazza 5. Has actually sat through a Tampa Bay Devil Rays game 4. His nude seventh inning stretches were sort of funny the first couple of times 3. Refuses to recognize Ted Williams as top cryogenically-frozen ball player of all time 2. Wife keeps complaining about "contraction," if you know what I mean 1. Throws like a girl

Top Ten Perks Of Being Saddam Hussein's Stepson - July 12, 2002

10. For your birthday, you get the head of an infidel 9. People never refer to you as "The crazy one in the family" 8. On weekends, you get to bring home weapons of mass destruction 7. Don't want to clean your room? Threaten to tell the United States dad's exact location 6. Play your cards right and in 10 years you'll be torturing the Iraqi people 5. Unique chance to observe a tyrannical madman up close 4. Big inheritance when U.S. troops finally kill your stepfather 3. Father-son bonding over 3am prank calls to U.N. weapons inspectors 2. You can get first pick of the police auction's seized and repossessed camels 1. Get to call Bin Laden "Uncle Osama"

Top Ten Alan Greenspan Euphemisms For Sex - July 17, 2002

10. "Depleting The Federal Reserve" 9. "Acquiring Some Assets" 8. "A Mid-Afternoon Rally" 7. "Opening An Account With Fannie Mae" 6. "Improving Your Long-Term Growth" 5. "Doing A Little Business On The Floor" 4. "Getting Yourself In The Red" 3. "Lump-Sum Distribution" 2. "Liquefying Your Holdings" 1. "Merging With Pfizer"

Top Ten Interesting Facts About Air Conditioning - July 18, 2002

10. Often abbreviated as A.C. 9. Invented by the same person who invented hair conditioner 8. When proposing, half of men give an air conditioner instead of a diamond ring 7. Ancient Egyptians employed a form of primitive air conditioning called "wind" 6. Dick Cheney conducts many financial misdeeds in air conditioned rooms 5. Without it, Miami would be a ghost town 4. The European Union won't accept Poland as a member until after all their air conditioners are Energy Star compliant 3. Concept of variable settings introduced by Ed Low and Jim High 2. That familiar hum? The compressor releasing deadly hydrogen sulfide 1. 20% of all air conditioning in the United States is used in the Ed Sullivan Theater

Top Ten Tiger Woods Excuses - July 22, 2002

10. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, you're telling me the lowest score wins?" 9. "I was up late the night before celebrating my inevitable victory" 8. When he heard winner didn't get snazzy green jacket said, "Screw this" 7. Frustrated by Nike's on-going refusal to promote him 6. Too much haggis 5. Distracted by caddy's windblown kilt 4. Exhausted from winning Wimbledon 3. When a guy gets a Swedish girlfriend, suddenly golf ain't the most important thing in the world 2. "According to metric system I lost, but by regular American scorekeeping I kicked ass" 1. Thrown off by Ernie Els pre-match threat, "I'm gonna eat your children!"

Top Ten Little Known Facts About The Snakehead Fish - July 24, 2002

10. Fish is 50 percent snake, 50 percent head 9. Mortal enemy is the fishhead snake 8. High-protein diet of fish and frogs means a slim look for summer 7. They love kids 6. Bush promised to find and catch them...of course we've heard that before 5. Fans of the snakehead fish are known as snakehead-heads 4. Available for a limited time at participating Red Lobsters 3. It's very popular with lawyers, am I right people? 2. Developed by the government to distract people from the whole Cheney 1. It's the result of a drunken genetic engineer and a dare

Top Ten Things Dumb Guys Think We Should Do About The Asteroid - July 25, 2002

10. Have NASA tow the Earth a mile to the left 9. Special helmets 8. Doesn't the pharmacy sell creams for that sort of thing? 7. Has anyone phoned Superman? 6. Stay calm -- it's just as scared of us as we are of it 5. Bubble wrap 4. We should start testing them baseball players for asteroids 3. Stop, drop and roll 2. Can we talk about this after wrestling? 1. Use my full power as President to mobilize the nation

Top Ten Signs President Bush Needs A Vacation - July 29, 2002

10. Holding all press conferences outside to work on his tan 9. Asking Al Qaeda not to do anything until the end of August 8. Had workers remove Oval Office desk to make room for hammock 7. It's been, what, two weeks since he went fishing? 6. Constantly studying satellite photos of Club Med 5. Page 386 of his budget simply states "need nap" 4. Visited Disney World's Hall of Presidents, asked, "Which one am I?" 3. Started nodding off during WWF Smackdown 2. Barely has the energy to help Cheney shred Halliburton documents 1. He's choking on pretzels just so he can pass out for a couple of minutes

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear At The Zoo - August 01, 2002

10. No matter how much I wash, I still smell like cheetah 9. Are you the guy I'm supposed to talk to about the black market elephant? 8. You know, between me and you, that's just a guy in a bear suit 7. It's time to feed the pythons -- will you help me catch a few squirrels? 6. If you want a good buzz, I've got access to the tranquilizer guns 5. You know, this isn't a mustache -- this is a rare Andean caterpillar. Want to pet it? 4. Do you hear him? He's laughing at me 3. Excuse me -- I have to go glue the horn on the "unicorn" 2. Hey, yo -- want to see a dinosaur for twenty bucks? 1. Does it look like I have rabies?

Top Ten Worst Names For A Seafood Restaurant - August 02, 2002

10. The Ol' Chum Bucket 9. Parasite Island 8. It Might Be Flounder 7. The Festering Cod 6. Botulism Bay 5. TGI Scurvy's 4. 3-Mile Island Trout 'N' Things 3. Yesterday's Sushi 2. The Gagging Deck Hand 1. Green Lobster

Top Ten Surprising Facts About Rich Beem - August 19, 2002

10. He's a compulsive tee-swallower 9. Once ran over a man with a golf cart just to watch him die 8. Bet 10 grand on Tiger Woods 7. For a brief period in 1997, called himself "Richie" 6. Kicked out of PGA in 1999 for having an inappropriate relationship with the 9th hole 5. If his tee time is during "Oprah," he'll quit the tournament 4. Holding a five and seven iron at a certain angle, he can locate underground water 3. He has no endorsements, but he has coupon for 10% off Nike shoes 2. Even he has never heard of him 1. He doglegs to the left, if you know what I mean

Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Win "American Idol" - August 20, 2002

10. Only got two phone votes last week, and one was a wrong number 9. Sang one note and your car's already loaded with parting gifts 8. The only other time you sang in public, you received a $50 fine 7. Amish sect forbids you to appear on camera or use any audio equipment 6. Russian mob strong-armed the French judge into voting against you 5. You look like a teenaged Henry Kissinger 4. While you sing, you chain-smoke Kools 3. The "studio" -- your basement. The "judges" -- your kitties. 2. Your ill-advised song, "I Love You, Osama" 1. The only words you can make out from screaming audience members are "microphone," "shove" and "ass"

Top Ten Ways To Bring Down The $29.2 Billion Budget Defecit - August 21, 2002

10. Coast guard only patrols in knee-deep water 9. Intimate Barbra Streisand concert for $1 billion a ticket 8. President Bush flies coach on Air Force One 7. Next Saturday, everyone in America has a yard sale 6. Make Cheney pay for his own medications 5. No fireworks until the deficit is down to $14 billion 4. Turn retired Navy ships into floating casinos 3. Only do nine jokes in Top Ten -- won't help budget, but will help morale 2. Cook the books 1. Impose $29.2 billion tax on everyone named "Oprah"

Top Ten Complaints Of The Average Baseball Player - August 23, 2002

10. Medical plan does not cover cryogenics 9. It's the grueling 3-hour work day 8. Beer vendor seldom makes it to the dugout 7. Being called "out" is a crippling blow to one's self esteem 6. A certain percentage of us have to play for the Devil Rays 5. Mitt hand doesn't get any sun 4. It's 2002 and we still have to endure tiresome "We Will Rock You" 3. When a beach ball comes on the field, we want to keep it 2. People think strike is about money, when it's actually about a boatload of money 1. "I think Mike Piazza's checking me out"

Top Ten Ways To Make Going Back To School More Fun - August 27, 2002

10. Goodbye three-ring binders, hello four-ring binders 9. Learn to throw your voice and make the quiet kid talk dirty 8. Shower after every class, not just gym 7. Remind yourself your yearly allowance is only a few hundred bucks less than your teacher's salary 6. Dissect a frog... in history class 5. The ride seems faster on top of the bus 4. With luck, phys. ed. teacher could be a striking Major League Baseball player 3. Unionize your shop class 2. For show and tell, how about a rabid raccoon? 1. Be like Dave. Join the glee club!

Top Ten Reasons To Hold The 2012 Summer Olympics In New York - August 28, 2002

10. Cab drivers already speak every foreign language 9. Lots of junk lying around to use as javelins and shot puts and stuff 8. Yankee and Shea Stadiums will be available as baseball strike continues 7. Opening ceremonies theme "What Are You Lookin' At?" 6. C'mon the United States hasn't hosted the Olympics in six months 5. Our souvenirs are already overpriced 4. Heavily polluted air cancels effects of illegal performance enhancing drugs 3. Chance to introduce new Olympic mascot: Rocky The Rat 2. Bribes and kickbacks here make Salt Lake City look like a student film 1. Did we mention the hookers?

Top Ten Canadian Euphemisms For Sex - August 29, 2002

10. Playing mountie 9. Fur trapping 8. Making Peg whinny 7. Entering parliament 6. Pulling the goalie 5. Doin' it, eh? 4. Putting the "man" in Manitoba 3. High sticking 2. Stuffing a beaver -- the beaver is our national animal 1. Oh, Oh, Oh Canada

Top Ten Things Overheard At The Letterman Family Barbecue - September 03, 2002

10. "How do you get Labor Day off? You only work one hour a day" 9. "So, are you still doing the Big Ten list?" 8. "Well, it's no worse than his last hairpiece" 7. "I wonder if we're going to be on 'Cops' again this year" 6. "I'm more of a Leno man myself" 5. "What kind of an idiot needs cue cards at a family barbecue?" 4. "It's awfully smoky -- maybe we should move the grill outside" 3. "Who brought the erotic pastries?" 2. "I wish we were related to Oprah" 1. "I have no son"

Top Ten Lance Bass Excuses For Not Going Into Space - September 04, 2002

10. Hair too spiky to fit in helmet 9. After seeing the motion picture "Signs" realized there's monsters in outer space! 8. Didn't want to miss "American Idol" finale 7. Hard to find people who'll pay $20 million to indulge spoiled pop star and his childish fantasies 6. If something happens to him, who for the love of God will entertain America? 5. Why observe earth's splendor from space when you could go to McDonald's or something? 4. Who schedules training sessions at unreasonable hour of 10am? 3. Doesn't need excuses 'cause if you ask me he's already out of this world! 2. Blew most of the necessary $20 million on hookers and gum 1. He's *N Scared

Top Ten Mets Excuses - September 06, 2002

10. Hey, whata ya want? We're on strike, aren't we? 9. Saving themselves for the November stretch run 8. Turns out spending millions on over-the-hill players bad idea 7. Someone spooked the bats 6. When your favorite loses on "American Idol," suddenly baseball doesn't seem so important 5. Not an excuse, but "Mets" spelled backwards is "stem" 4. We're not that good 3. It's impossible to compete with large market teams like Montreal and Kansas City 2. When Tiger Woods gets the lowest score, nobody complains! 1. We're groggy from West Nile virus

Top Ten Saddam Hussein Tips for A Romantic Evening - September 08, 2002

10. Splash on a little goat's blood 9. Play romantic music to drown out the cries of tortured dissidents 8. Shampoo and condition your mustache 7. Don't be a cheapskate at the movies -- buy the large hummus 6. Have a violinist brought over to your table and executed 5. Show sensitive side by releasing her family from prison 4. "Say it with toxic nerve agents" 3. Sit on porch swing and watch twinkling United State reconnaissance satellites 2. Name a camel after her 1. Ask if she wants to "inspect your biological weapon"

Top Ten Good Things About Being Obese - September 10, 2002

10. You get to help troubled airline industry by buying two tickets on Southwest Airlines 9. Everyone knows hottest new fashions hit plus-sized stores first 8. Your Greek wedding in guaranteed to be even bigger and fatter 7. You can gain, like, 100 pounds without anybody noticing 6. Never get called hurtful names like "string bean" or "average-weight guy" 5. Guaranteed as many appearances on "Ricki" as you want 4. Many famous movie stars are obese, such as... Hey look, a donut 3. How many people can say they're visible from space? 2. Hey, at least you're not fat (dumb obese people only) 1. Your heart does more by 9am than most people's do all day

Top Ten Ways To Tick Off Buzz Aldrin - September 12, 2002

10. When you meet him, make buzzing sound like a bee 9. Squeegee his space helmet and ask for a buck 8. Spell "Buzz" with one "z" 7. Pronounce NASA, "Nassau" 6. Fill his oxygen tank with piping hot clam chowder 5. Every time he eats cheese, wink and say, "Wonder where you got that, moon man?" 4. Ask if he is related to Ruth Buzzi 3. Call him Spock 2. Refer to Apollo Eleven as "That guy from the 'Rocky' movies" 1. Hog the Tang

Top Ten Good Things About Being Named "Pepe" - September 13, 2002

10. Gift shops rarely run out of "Pepe" mini-license plates 9. When typing your name, only have to press 2 keys 8. Calling your father "Pappy" yields hilarious family misunderstandings 7. Who could bring themselves to say, "Pepe, you're fired"? 6. Meet a guy named "Roni" and you can open a pizzeria 5. Discount from Baskin Robbins when your cake reads "Happy Birthday, Pete" 4. Know what the original title for "Rocky" was? "Pepe" 3. Learning the secret Pepe handshake 2. Scratch off letters and it looks like you're drinking can of Dr. Pepe 1. To pursue a music career, can change name to "Pepe Daddy"

Top Ten Little-Known Responsibilities Of Miss America - September 23, 2002

10. Protecting human race form diabolical Miss Universe 9. Promoting crown-wearing among America's youth 8. Maintaining a smile for the next 12 lousy months 7. Color consultant for national alert system 6. Greeting each new immigrant with a moist towelette 5. Responsibilities? Heck, I sit around all day eating Cheetos 4. When the Secretary of State is sick, guess who's in charge? 3. Picking up litter along Interstate 95 2. Blowing scholarship money in Las Vegas 1. Car repossession

Top Ten Programs That Didn't Make The Fall Television Lineup - September 24, 2002

10. "Touched By A Mullah" 9. "Who Wants To Be A Dental Hygenist?" 8. "Diagnosis: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome" 7. "Sleeping Late With Bryant Gumbel" 6. "Fear Tractor" 5. "Weather Channel: Special Cold Fronts Unit" 4. "Unsolved Nursing Home Mysteries" 3. "Wolf Lake" 2. "The Dr. Phil Collins Show" 1. "8 Simple Rules For Dating Your Priest"

Top Ten Shirtless Father And Son Explanations - September 25, 2002

10. He was obstructing our view 9. Autographed Tom Gamboa baseball would be worth more if he were dead 8. We're sorry, you'll have to talk to our shirtless lawyer 7. You try staying in your seat during a White Sox-Royals game 6. Dr. Phil says fathers and sons form stronger bonds when they commit senseless acts of violence 5. When two shirtless idiots can't attack anyone they want, the terrorists have won 4. People do crazy things after nine beers 3. For generations our family has proudly beaten first-base coach Tom Gamboa 2. Getting in shape for hockey dad season 1. Couple Mets players gave us some crazy weed, man

Top Ten Signs Your Baseball Team Is On Drugs - September 27, 2002

10. Your first baseman demanded a trade to the Devil Rays 9. That ain't ivy growing on the outfield wall 8. They ask organist to play a lot of Pink Floyd 7. During meetings on the mound, pitcher and catcher exchange money 6. Keep asking if there are any roadtrips to Colombia 5. Half of them are wearing football helmets 4. Keep using bullpen phone to order Domino's 3. Stare in wonder at David Wells and mutter "Duuuuude" 2. Rumor has it the ball boy is wearing a wire 1. You swear you saw two half-naked guys attack a first-base coach

Top Ten Things Overheard In The Angels Locker Room - September 28, 2002

10. "Mmm, this Rally Monkey is delicious!" 9. "Why is Bud Selig showering with us?" 8. "Thanks to the fans, and the bookies who made us 30-to-1 long shots at the beginning of the season" 7. "I feel bad for Barry Bonds... just kidding" 6. "It sure was nice of the Mets to send over all this pot" 5. "Here's to the California Angels... or the Anaheim Angels or whatever the hell we are" 4. "We've got great momentum going into game 8" 3. "Now that we've won, I'm sure we'll be invited to appear on 'The Tonight Show with Jay Leno'" 2. "Yes, Troy, you have a nice thunderstick" 1. "The victory parade is Tuesday -- start thawing Walt"

Top Ten Signs You're Too Old To Be Trick-Or-Treating - September 30, 2002

10. You get a candy apple and mutter, "Oh yeah, my dentures will love this" 9. You're dressed as a surgeon; earlier in the day you actually performed surgery 8. Not many "Aren't you cutes" but plenty of "I'm calling the cops" 7. Every three houses you need a smoke break 6. Chaos ensues when you confuse an M&M with your heart medication 5. You're dressed as America's favorite movie star, Tyrone Power 4. At the end of night you don't have many treats, but you got a few dates with divorcees 3. Frequently forgo the candy and ask to use the bathroom 2. Your "trick" involves driving rascal scooter across lawn 1. Wrap things up early so you can get home to watch CBS

Top Ten New York Mets Promises For Next Season - October 01, 2002

10. "We'll win more games than the New York Jets -- and that's a promise" 9. "2-for-1 tickets for shirtless father and son lunatics" 8. "Players will no longer leave in the 6th inning to beat the traffic" 7. "Bobblehead dolls will have 15% more bobble" 6. "You think Jeter's got a nice ass? Wait'll you get a load of mine next year" 5. "We're opening a second men's room" 4. "Good news -- we just signed Ty Cobb" 3. "Unveiling new secret weapon: Otto the base-stealin' monkey" 2. "Bobby Valentine will lead the New York Mets back to the World Series!" ("What? He got fired?") 1. "Every 100th ticketholder gets to kick Mr. Met in the nuts"

Top Ten Saddam Hussein Campaign Promises - October 02, 2002

10. Will guide Iraq forward into the eleventh century 9. More money spent on the arts, specifically flattering portraits of Saddam Hussein 8. Will hold regular "town hall" meetings, followed by "town hall" tortures and executions 7. Less talk, more rock 6. An anthrax-infected chicken in every pot! 5. Switch from intimidating beret to humorous "Lordy Lordy I'm Over Forty" baseball cap 4. I'll paint any camel for $99.99 3. Ah, what the hell -- mustaches for everybody! 2. Sunday night "Sex and the City" marathon at the palace 1. To restore decency and integrity to the office of tyrannical, murderous dictator

Top Ten Things Every Principal Knows - October 04, 2002

10. Half the stuff teachers say is completely made up (From Morristown High School, Richard Garibell) 9. Buy Tums in bulk (From Dickinson High School, Robert Donato) 8. After a long day, a principal's best friend is Professor Jim Beam (From B.C.I.T. Westhampton Technical High School, Daniel Money) 7. Tell them it's for extra credit and students will wash your car (From Toms River High School East, Maureen Madden) 6. Don't waste your time on that female gym teacher (From Liberty High School, Doug Berman) 5. If the shirtless father was a problem student, chances are his shirtless son will be, too (From Summit High School, Paula Schwartz) 4. Kids spend too much time on homework and not nearly enough on video games (From Dr. Ronald E. McNair Academic High School, Robert J. Roggenstein) 3. Whenever I need some time alone, I pull the fire alarm (From Howell High School, Barbara McMorrow) 2. I should have become an astronaut (From Montclair High School, Elaine Peeler Davis) 1. Nobody knows the difference if you make P.A. announcements nude (From Toms River High School North, John Coleman)

Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is A Cannibal - October 07, 2002

10. You see repairmen go in, but you never really see them come out 9. Your name: Lou Levy; recipe on his refrigerator: "Lou Levy Almandine" 8. Lives alone, yet at his garage sale, had men's and women's shoes in most sizes 7. Asks if sailors count as seafood 6. Sues Denny's for false advertising over its so-called "Lumberjack Breakfast" 5. Calls his hot tub "the slow cooker" 4. At Halloween, he always has extremely realistic skeletons on the porch 3. You ask for a beer, he replies, "They're in the fridge next to Steve" 2. Says, "I'm in the mood for a Mexican...I mean Mexican" 1. The "pork shoulder" he serves you is wearing a wristwatch

Top Ten Dumb Guy Reactions To The Discovery Of The Giant Ice Ball - October 08, 2002

10. "I wonder if it's cold?" 9. "Will this affect the price of ice?" 8. "Oh boy! I'm staying home from work" 7. "Brian Dennehy should play the giant ice ball in the movie" 6. "NASA needs to spend less time looking for ice balls and more time on the economy" 5. "Oh sure, they just happen to discover it right before an election" 4. "Isn't a giant ice ball a sign of the Acropolis?" 3. "Maybe scientists can study it and figure out what causes ice" 2. "I found a pretty big ice cube in my freezer, but you don't hear me bragging about it" 1. "Time to load the shotgun and head up to the roof"

Top Ten Signs You're Too Fat - October 09, 2002

10. Only thing you read: takeout menus 9. You've had a garage door installed in your bedroom 8. Got cable just for the Food Network 7. You skip your son's wedding because you don't want to miss Blimpie's 2-for-1 sale 6. Red Cross changed your blood type from "O" to "Pancake batter" 5. Scientists won a Nobel Prize for measuring your gravitational field 4. Blinking leaves you winded 3. You buy ham by the square foot 2. Southwest Airlines makes you purchase 3 tickets 1. You start every day with a nice, steaming cup of gravy

Top Ten Fun Things The Army Yells While Rappelling - October 10, 2002

10. Spider-Man -- kiss my ass! (Sergeant Jon Desotell) 9. If we get deployed overseas, tape "Becker" for me (Staff Sergeant Daniel Fahey) 8. All this and Andy Rooney, tonight on "60 Minutes" (Staff Sergeant Markus McMaster) 7. Gooooooooal! (Staff Sergeant Joshua Bond) 6. Help me, Dr. Phil! (Staff Sergeant Aaron Almquist) 5. Rope burns are cool (Sergeant Jonric Jones) 4. I love cookies! (Sergeant Stephen Cardona) 3. Feng Shui! (Sergeant John McDonald) 2. Live from New York, it's Saturday Night! (Sergeant Eric Curtis) 1. Weeeeeeeeeee! (Staff Sergeant Jeremy Barton)

Top Ten Signs Barbara Walters Is In Love With Fidel Castro - October 11, 2002

10. Her first question: "How'd you get so dreamy?" 9. Squeals like a schoolgirl every time he tortures a dissident 8. She's wearing his varsity dictator jacket 7. Re-named her newsmagazine "Veinte/Veinte" 6. Told him, "You have led a violent overthrow of my heart" 5. Has same look Diane Sawyer had when she and Khomeini were dating 4. Breakfast, lunch and dinner: pulled pork 3. New sign-off line on "The View": "Socialism or death" 2. When asking him about Camp X-Ray, she accidentally called it "Guantana-marry me" 1. The long, mangy beard hairs on her blouse

Top Ten Ways To Make Football Even More Exciting - October 14, 2002

10. Both teams wear the same uniform 9. Replace players' oxygen tanks with laughing gas 8. Every fan gets one of those referee microphones 7. Helmets that make comical "boing" sound effect 6. End-zone dances choreographed by the fabulous Tommy Tune 5. A day before the game, both teams redecorate each other's locker rooms 4. Two words: jet packs 3. Halftime lecture series by Federal Reserve chairman, Alan Greenspan 2. Lift "no flirting" rule in the huddle 1. Losing coach has to give John Madden open-mouth kiss

Top Ten Ways CBS Can Attract Viewers To "The Early Show" - October 16, 2002

10. Every cooking segment ends with a grease fire 9. Frequent updates from "The Today Show" 8. Less focus on world news, more focus on harness-racing results 7. Free "Early Show" keychains 6. Three words: naked book reviews 5. Get rid of the "News You Can't Use" segments 4. "Early Show" rally monkey 3. Make it more like "Sanford and Son" 2. Lots of bloopers where people get hit in the nuts 1. Throw in a few new Gumbels

Top Ten Ways My Life Has Changed Since Winning The Nobel Prize - October 17, 2002

10. Can end almost any argument by asking, "And did you ever win a Nobel Prize?" 9. Whenever I bring it to Applebee's restaurant, I get a free plate of riblets heading my way 8. When I enter a room, I shout, "Nobel Prize winner in the hizzouse!" 7. At most 7-11s, I can get service even if I choose not to wear shoes or a shirt 6. Instead of saying, "Kiss my ass" to guys who cut me off in traffic, I now say, "Kiss my Nobel Prize-winning ass" 5. I've been banned from casinos in seven states 4. When I call K-Rock to request Aerosmith, they play Aerosmith 3. Any meaningless crap I say, the next day it's in the Wall Street Journal 2. Another Friday, another P. Diddy party 1. In Stockholm, I get more tail than Frank Sinatra

Top Ten Ways To Mispronounce P. Diddy - October 18, 2002

10. P. Dingo 9. Pastrami 8. Pilates 7. Paul Anka 6. Diddy Arnaz, Jr. 5. D. Pippy 4. Peat Mossy 3. Putty 2. Engelbert Humperdiddy 1. Peter Jennings

Top Ten Lizzie Grubman Complaints About Jail - October 29, 2002

10. No one talks about Hamptons, just people they've "shivved" 9. Can't borrow the other girls' scrunchies without getting head lice 8. Surly servants act more like a bunch of armed guards 7. Plenty of wall space, but no plasma TV 6. "Who taught these people how to make a mocha latte?" 5. "They tried to take away my shoelaces and belt -- like I'd wear a belt with capri pants" 4. Meal servers give attitude when you order off the menu 3. Denied a court-supervised visit to Bloomingdale's 2. "240 women sharing 3 showers? What is this -- Vassar?!" 1. "You can't, like, leave"

Top Ten Things A Drill Instructor Would Never Say - October 31, 2002

10. "Screw the 0400 crap -- I'm getting up at noon" (Staff Sergeant Amee Prude) 9. "I'd be lost without my yoga" (Staff Sergeant Dean Clark) 8. "For a zestier tuna salad, add a pinch of dill" (Staff Sergeant Michael Reed) 7. "I'm yelling because I have self-esteem issues" (Staff Sergeant Arnold Rendon) 6. "Dude, you're getting a Dell" (Sergeant Brandey Catledge) 5. "Marine, you have the piercing blue eyes of a young Paul Newman" (Gunnery Sergeant Christopher Cornell) 4. "With Pert Plus, I just wash...and go" (Staff Sergeant William Bodette) 3. "When are the Tony Awards?" (Staff Sergeant Rafael Rodridguez) 2. "Dr. Phil has changed my life" (Gunnery Sergeant Adam Moore) 1. "I still live with my parents" (Sergeant Louis Starnes)

Top Ten Signs Your Wife Is Having An Affair With U.N. Weapons Inspector Hans Blix - November 01, 2002

10. You notice little shampoo bottles from Baghdad Hilton 9. She comes home reeking of Swedish meatballs 8. Parakeet's cage is lined with documents on Iraq's nuclear weapons program 7. Hears about Hans Blix meeting with Condoleeza Rice, she mutters, "Bitch" 6. She has "U.N Approved" tattooed on her ass 5. Always gets her hair done whenever the general assembly is in session 4. It's a good bet, considering she had affairs with every other chief U.N. weapons inspector 3. She complains about your unilateral decisions when renting a movie 2. She's on the phone: from the next room you hear the words, "...threesome" and "Kofi Annan" 1. Your kids look sort of Blixy

Top Ten Things I, Bobby Valentine, Want To Get Off My Chest - November 04, 2002

10. "When I signed my contract, I was under the impression I'd be managing the Yankees" 9. "I couldn't explain the balk rule if you paid me" 8. "Sometimes, I'd daydream during games about being a cowboy" 7. "I was hoping there would be a one-day strike so I could get my car inspected" 6. "The Rally Monkey can kiss my ass" 5. "I'm not saying it affected my managing, but the chair in my office at Shea had no lumbar support" 4. "Lord help me, I can't stop collecting bobblehead dolls" 3. "I firmly believe Winona was just researching a movie role" 2. "To save money on overseas calls, I'd use the dugout phone" 1. "I had no idea there's a baseball team in Anaheim"

Top Ten Signs President Bush Is Getting Cocky - November 06, 2002

10. Didn't even try to hide fact he voted 5 times yesterday 9. Claims he has a plan to "tax poor people back to the Stone Age" 8. Instead of the United States Marine Band, now travels with the Foo Fighters 7. Encouraging his daughters to drink more in public 6. On CNN, referred to Tom Daschle as his "bitch" 5. Three words: Presidential Rally Monkey 4. He's been mispronouncing bigger words lately 3. Told Secret Service agent, "Go ahead -- punch me in the stomach" 2. Screams "Boo!" at Dick Cheney 1. He just gave Monica a call

Top Ten Things I Learned After 1900 Shows - November 08, 2002

10. Oprah doesn't like me 9. Big stars can be lured onto the show for a "Survivor" tote bag 8. America loves catchphrases, like "In my pants" 7. Barbara Walters likes her "coffee" on the rocks with a twist 6. A president playing grabass in the White House -- that's a good 600 shows worth of material 5. Some things float, other things don't 4. You gotta keep it real, dog 3. If a guest drops out at the last minute, just show old clips from "Bonanza" 2. The secret to solid comedy? Crazy wigs 1. Don't believe Madonna when she says, "Things won't get weird after sex"

Top Ten Things Never Before Said In Space - November 11, 2002

10. If we fly close enough to that satellite, we can get free movie channels (Space station science officer Peggy Whitson) 9. I've gotta go back -- I have jury duty (Mission specialist Dave Wolf) 8. Hey, could someone open the airlock? The pizza guy is here (Mission specialist Piers Sellers) 7. We're caught in the Death Star's tractor beam! Help us, Obi Wan (Space station commander Valery Korzun) 6. Delaware, we have a problem (Space station pilot Pam Melory) 5. Mission control -- any chance you can beam up some more jerky? (Space station flight engineer Sergei Treschev) 4. We're testing the effects of zero gravity on lame comedy (Mission specialist Sandy Magnus) 3. Blue station wagon, Minnesota plate HMZ-216, your lights are on (Space shuttle commander Jeff Ashby) 2. Which one of you guys ate my powdered lamb shank? (Mission specialist Fyodor Yurchikhin) 1. Run for your lives -- space monkeys! (Mission specialist Sandy Magnus)

Top Ten Things People Said While Listening To "The Late Show" On The Radio Last Night - November 12, 2002

10. "Something must be wrong with my radio -- I don't hear anyone laughing" 9. "At home it's great, but why would I want to fall asleep while I'm driving?" 8. "Wow, they found a way to make this show even more pointless" 7. "It's like watching TV with your eyes closed!" 6. "I do miss seeing his hair -- that was always the funniest part of the show" 5. "I can't wait to hear what Paul Shaffer's wearing" 4. "I sure hope somebody gets fired for this" 3. "If Marconi were right here now, I'd hit him with my car" 2. "Turn it up -- it's that guy with the big chin!" 1. "The 100th caller gets to kick Letterman's ass"

Top Ten Signs Saddam Hussein Is Getting Nervous - November 13, 2002

10. Recently he seems less "bloodthirsty" and more "murderous" 9. Every time the doorbell rings, he yells, "Incoming!" 8. At dinner, can only finish half a gazelle 7. Ebert-sized sweat marks on his fatigues 6. Has had his mustache bulletproofed 5. Panicked after realizing he might not be around to see who wins on "The Bachelor" 4. Too fidgety to sit still for his monthly gigantic portrait 3. Canceled his "Victory Over The Great Satan" party 2. Has started making bad decisions, like betting on the Knicks 1. He's taking Zoloft along with his Cipro

Top Ten Responsibilities Of NORAD - November 14, 2002

10. "In the middle of the night, crank-call Saddam" (Petty Officer Second Class Sean Jacques) 9. "Give directions to confused tourists looking for Space Mountain" (Captain Terry Buehl) 8. "Defend all of North America, except Rhode Island" (Major Bill Routt) 7. "Can't say why, but we're building a 200-foot-tall Dick Cheney" (Airman First Class Dwain Henderson) 6. "Beats me. Today's my first day" (Corporal Mike Jaworski) 5. "Dreaming up exciting new appetizers for Applebee's, like zesty riblets" (Senior Airman Jessica Ptacek) 4. "Watching Pamela Anderson's every move" (Sergeant Thomas Vantilborg) 3. "Returning loose kites to their owners" (Yeoman First Class Keith Hurst) 2. "Ensure Americans never pay too much for a muffler" (Staff Sergeant Glenn McAlister) 1. "Shoot and eat all the space aliens" (Major Richard Clark)

Top Ten Reasons Being Mayor Of Schoharie Is The Best Job In the World - November 18, 2002

10. "Easy to reach consesus with budget director, transit chief and tax commissioner because they're all me" 9. "My office has a breathtaking view of the Schoharie traffic light" 8. "Three of our last four presidents were mayor of Schoharie" 7. "From Central Bridge to Gallupville, people hear my name and tremble" 6. "If three people like you, you're looking at a 90% approval rating" 5. "I'll probably get a nice note from Warner Brothers after the six hundred dollars my town spent this weekend on 'Harry Potter'" 4. "Guess who gets to cut in line at the Carrot Barn?" 3. "I have use of the modified high-tech Boeing 747 known as 'Schoharie One'" 2. "Dude, I'm the most powerful man in the free world!" 1. "I can go on network television and tell Letterman 'Screw you'"

Top Ten Tips For Becoming A Supermodel (presented by Heidi Klum) - November 19, 2002

10. Study really hard and get good grades 9. For several hours a day practice "just standing there" 8. Lose the mustache 7. Learn to do this (makes pouty face) 6. Remember, it's the inner beauty that counts -- just kidding! 5. Start out small, like your office newsletter swimsuit issue 4. Buy that kind of soap that makes you pretty 3. Project that all-American look even though you're from Bergisch Gladbach, Germany 2. Moisturize -- you can never be too moist 1. Ease into it by going to your current job in your underwear

Top Ten Least Impressive James Bond Gadgets - November 20, 2002

10. Remote-control squirrel 9. Digital clock that is also a radio 8. An illegal cable box 7. Cuff links shaped like dice 6. Panasonic wet-dry beard trimmer with night vision 5. Football-shaped phone 4. A refreshing soda that combines both lemon and lime 3. Shampoo and conditioner in one 2. Futuristic green liquid that fights bad breath 1. Delicious low-fat cheesecake

Top Ten Things People Say To Me When They See Me On The Street (presented by The Bachelor) - November 21, 2002

10. "It was so romantic when you proposed right after making out with that other chick" 9. "So, you're the jackass who made my sister cry" 8. "You could've married both if you'd only read our religious literature in time" 7. "You were robbed by that annoying British judge" 6. "You still have the phone numbers for bachelorettes 3, 9, 15, 22, and 24?" 5. "Can you talk to ABC about bringing back 'Laverne and Shirley'?" 4. When you complained about how hard it was dating 25 beautiful women, I said to myself, 'This guy is the biggest putz in the world'" 3. "Your fame looks much more fleeting in person" 2. "Good luck with what's-her-face!" 1. "Any chance you'll show the honeymoon on pay-per-view?"

Top Ten Signs Your Kid Is Dumb - November 22, 2002

10. Can't find the United States on a map of the United States 9. Nobody knows his I.Q. because he keeps eating the test 8. Sharpens ball point pens 7. He named his dog "Kitty" 6. Believes Saddam when he says he's not hiding weapons of mass destruction 5. Proudly wears a Knicks jersey 4. Sees photo of himself, says, "Hey, it's that guy from the mirror!" 3. Called FBI terrorism hotline to vote for Bin Laden 2. For his birthday you give him a flashlight and tell him it's a video game 1. Says, "I wish Michael Jackson was my dad!"

Top Ten Things To Consider Before Buying A Hairpiece - November 25, 2002

10. Will I be able to handle all the women? 9. Am I easily offended by smart-ass teenagers? 8. Should I wait for the after-Christmas hairpiece sales? 7. Will it appreciate in value? 6. What hairpiece would Jesus wear? 5. Have I explored all my combover options? 4. Am I hairpiece material? 3. Should I spend the extra 20 bucks for the sideburns? 2. Is it possible a hairpiece will make me look too good? 1. I sure as hell don't want the kind Letterman wears

Top Ten Signs You're On A Bad Cruise - November 26, 2002

10. As you board, a personal injury attorney hands you his business card 9. Didn't realize Carnival Cruise crew was actually carnival workers 8. During a light breeze, the captain issues order to abandon ship 7. Your "cabin" is a steel cargo container full of spare oil rig parts 6. No matter what you order from the bar, it tastes salty 5. The ship makes an unscheduled stop in Colombia to pick up "supplies" 4. It's day 3 and you're still docked 3. Every time you see the crew, they're wearing life preservers 2. Captain stares out at sea mumbling, "He's out there. I can feel it." 1. Nightly entertainment -- cockfights

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear In A Supermarket - November 27, 2002

10. "My uncle ate that crap once. Two weeks later, he was dead" 9. "Wanna feel me to see if I'm ripe?" 8. "Did I ever tell you about the time I nailed Sara Lee?" 7. "I can give you a good deal on some bald eagle meat" 6. "J. Lo engaged? That two-timing bitch!" 5. "This'll be perfect to hide that hitchhiker I killed" 4. "If I count more than 10 items, so help me, I'll beat you with a French bread" 3. "Security! It's Winona!" 2. "Does this taste funny?" 1. "Clean-up, aisle 4!"

Top Ten Things Every American Should Be Thankful For - November 28, 2002

10. "226 years and the United States of America has never suffered a gravy shortage" (Lieutenant David Gunn) 9. "The Harry Potter sequel has twice the magic and twice the adventure" (Mineman Third Class Jason Slee) 8. "Paper towels are far more absorbent than those in our great-grandparents' day" (Mineman Second Class Steve Stafford) 7. "Despite the drop in his net worth, Bill Gates is once again giving every American a gingerbread cookie" (Lieutenant Anthony Morelli) 6. "At some point, every American will get to marry Jennifer Lopez" (Engineman Second Class Brian Cooper) 5. "If you can hold on until after Christmas, most department stores have great linen sales" (Ensign Anthony Kyle) 4. "Your stock portfolio may be down, but it's still fun to say 'portfolio'" (Ensign Santico Valenzuela) 3. "Liza Minelli has finally found true love" (Chief Electrician's Mate Michael Scott) 2. "United States scientists have virtually eliminated static cling" (Boatswain's Mate Second Class Juan Mendez) 1. "America's favorite talk show host -- Regis Philbin" (Sonar Technician Second Class Scott Seevers)

Top Ten Lisa Marie Presley/Nicolas Cage Explanations - November 29, 2002

10. After three months, people grow apart 9. She wanted Italian for dinner. He wanted Chinese. So they decided to call it quits 8. Their divorce was part of an obscure provision of the Homeland Security Bill 7. They owed favors to a couple of divorce lawyers 6. I don't know, we were dehydrated? 5. Nicolas gradually realized that he wasn't going to meet Elvis 4. Another Saddam trick to deflect attention from his weapons program 3. He's always busy making movies and she's always busy with... uh... whatever it is she does 2. Lisa Marie intends to match Jennifer Lopez marriage-for-marriage 1. Once a woman's been married to Michael Jackson, she has certain expectations

Top Ten Surprises In The 12,000-Page Iraqi Declaration - December 09, 2002

10. First 5,000 pages are kind of wordy 9. The inspirational foreword by Larry King 8. Iraq's most dangerous weapon: a rocket-powered goat 7. Using Saddam's system, fans are 80 percent more successful when betting against the spread in interconference games 6. At several points "plutonium" is crossed out and "chocolate milk" is written in 5. The whimsical cartoon character "Blinky" who introduces each chapter 4. Hilarious joke about Saddam's mother-in-law's meatloaf and weapons of mass destruction 3. For a while Tariq Aziz wrestled under name "Iron Sheik" 2. Declaration number one -- Bon Jovi rules! 1. More fun than Al Gore's new book

Top Ten Demands Of The Striking Strippers - December 10, 2002

10. No more than three girls in a club named "Brandi" 9. Less leering, more ogling 8. As an "essental public service provider," automatic exemption from jury duty 7. "If we work a bachelor party, we should be invited to the wedding" 6. Professional courtesy at strip malls 5. Grievances handled by well-toned, semi-nude arbitrators 4. 20 percent discount for family 3. Garter insurance 2. Create a workplace free of sexual harassment 1. Heated poles

Top Ten Ways Pete Rose Can Improve His Image - December 11, 2002

10. Remind people how much he used to hustle 9. Change name to "Spongepete Rosepants" 8. Travel with a monkey -- everyone loves monkeys 7. Make an appearance on "The Tonight Show" 6. Say betting-on-baseball was research for a movie role 5. Write and star in the delightful comedy "My Big Fat Pete Rose Wedding" 4. Find and kill Osama Bin Laden 3. Always carry Tums -- periodically offer them to strangers 2. Teach underprivileged kids how to play the ponies 1. Hold a press conference declaring he's not gay

Top Ten Signs Santa Hates You - December 12, 2002

10. Your stocking is ticking 9. Every kid gets a candy cane, you get a ball of rusty barbed wire 8. He brings you a new car -- right through the living room wall 7. His expression doesn't seem to be "jolly" so much as "seething and vengeful" 6. FBI bursts into your house saying, "We got a tip from Santa Claus you're hiding Mullah Omar" 5. You're being stalked by an elf hitman 4. You spend ten minutes telling him what you want -- he says, "Oh, I'm sorry, were you talking to me?" 3. Only item he leaves: a note reading "Your wife was great" 2. "Gift" he just gave you -- 2 weeks on a Disney cruise with Trent Lott 1. His distinctive laugh: "Ho, ho, go screw yourself"

Top Ten Ways New York City Is Preparing For A Transit Strike - December 13, 2002

10. Urging people to steal cars now, before the big rush 9. To attract passengers, cab drivers chipping in on one can of air freshener 8. For an extra two dollars, hot dog vendors will push you around on their cart 7. The city is recommending that New Yorkers take Boston's public transportation instead 6. Printing new signs: "Subway Closed -- Please Urinate On Sidewalks" 5. Three words: hookers on bikes 4. Confused Subway sandwich shop workers excited to get a few weeks off 3. Staffers already making up excuses why they can't carpool with Regis 2. Saddling the rats 1. New ad campaign: "Walk, Lardass"

Top Ten Ways Trent Lott Is Preparing For The Holidays - December 16, 2002

10. Making a list of bigoted remarks and checking it twice 9. Fill out membership form to the Augusta National Golf Club 8. Trying to keep track of all the people calling to say they can't make it to his Christmas party 7. Pray for peace and happiness for everyone...well, almost everyone 6. Reminding friends to "keep quiet about the old days" 5. Dipping his foot in delicious eggnog before putting it in his mouth 4. Inviting media to "traditional Lott family Kwanzaa parade" 3. Call jet propulsion laboratories in Pasadena -- ask how much damn force his hair is generating 2. Joining Eminem to record album of hateful Christmas duets 1. Work on next year's apologies

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Late Show Christmas Party - December 17, 2002

10. "Can we go now?" 9. "Attention: please wash your paper plates and return them to the supply closet" 8. "Can we go now?" 7. "Okay, that comes to seventeen dollars a person" 6. "Hey, it's 11:30 -- turn on Leno" 5. "Is it okay to take Lipitor with whiskey?" 4. "For the love of God can we go now?" 3. "Christmas party? Sorry, Mr. Philbin -- don't know anything about a Christmas party" 2. "Do you want to throw in five bucks for the intern fight?" 1. "Why is Letterman here?"

Top Ten Signs There's Something Terribly Wrong At McDonald's - December 18, 2002

10. Your order Filet-o-Fish and the cashier makes the sign of the cross 9. Lowest-priced item on the Dollar Menu is 80 bucks 8. Employees are warming buns in their pants 7. Iraq helped them prepare their 12,000-page nutritional information report 6. Everything is "McXpired" 5. One of your "French fries" is wearing a wedding ring 4. Hans Blix is snooping around the back with a Geiger counter 3. Seconds after you order the McNuggets, you hear frantic squawking from the kitchen 2. A new hamburger is introduced called "The McWidowmaker with Cheese" 1. Happy Meal toy: cigarettes

Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Jumping Out Of A Helicopter - December 20, 2002

10. "Do I have a fear of spiders or a fear of heights?" (Sergeant First Class Michael McCrann) 9. "Am I feeling aerodynamic?" (Sergeant First Class Donna Mungia) 8. "Wouldn't it be easier to get out after we land?" (Staff Sergeant Shawn Broe) 7. "What the hell am I doing?" (Staff Sergeant Dwight Simon) 6. "Am I supposed to tip the pilot?" (Staff Sergeant Jessica Riggins) 5. "I hope my rental car is ready?" (Specialist Jacob Canterbury) 4. "What's the deal with Michael Jackson?" (Specialist Justin Ford) 3. "Am I really in that much of a hurry to get to the ground?" (Sergeant Zach Wobler) 2. "Everybody's jumping, right?" (Sergeant First Class Scott Pitkin) 1. "Were burritos the best thing to eat for lunch?" (Private First Class Ryan Delaney)

Top Ten Dumb Guy Ways To Spend $315 Million - December 26, 2002

10. Solid gold pants for the whole family 9. Purchase classic paintings by Shakespeare 8. Get a 13 million year subscription to Time Magazine 7. Hire a team of scientists to make Doritos even Nacho cheesier 6. Upgrade Mount Rushmore so the presidents blink, move their heads, and sing 5. One mother of a supersized cola 4. Buy North and South Carolina. Combine them. Call them Sorth Narolina. 3. Get a nice home, a luxury car, high-quality furniture and clothing, use the remaining money to get wasted 2. Pay people to stop calling you "that dumb guy" 1. Gum

Top Ten Ways To Make Your New Year's Eve Party More Exciting - December 27, 2002

10. Anthrax canapes 9. Hire a Hans Blix impersonator 8. Get a Times Square hotel room within heckling distance of Dick Clark 7. Hookers, hookers, hookers 6. Instead of friends, family and neighbors, invite hitchhikers, drifters and runaways 5. Invest in a jigsaw puzzle and thank me later 4. Announce to guests, "One of you won't live to see the New Year" 3. Every male guest automatically entered in a drawing to become Jennifer Lopez's next husband 2. Club soda plus nail polish remover equals homemade champagne 1. Don't invite me